I was organizing my email folders this morning like a totally normal person and came across a message I had completely forgotten about for a decade. [Please try not to think about the fact that I have, in fact, kept this message in a folder called “stuff worth saving.”] It was a response to my decision to send former high school classmates my family Christmas letter shortly after our 20th reunion. I realize now this sounds like a maybe bad idea HOWEVER I did only send to people who had already given me permission to publish their contact information in our directory. Most of them had even been at the reunion and were pretty cordial, if not enthusiastic about meeting up again. It felt like a benign gesture.
I cannot find a copy of our Christmas letter from 2008 though I do remember writing it in a month-by-month style in order to condense our family highlights. I thought it was clever and cute, not too braggy or precious, but obviously I was wrong.
Gravely, grossly, obnoxiously wrong.
First thing, I have no classmates named John Smith and the email used was not listed in any of our reunion info, so that felt weird. But the opening was amusing (that might have actually been my original greeting? I’m so mad at myself for not saving this ONE letter for reference) and I was intrigued. Then I was concerned - was someone reaching out to talk about trouble in their family? Ohhhhh. Okay, parody, cool, I guess that’s fun. But the tone quickly turned hostile - why were kids were suddenly killing animals?? And then it got worse.
CW: sexual content
I got the message - I was seen as bragging about my seemingly perfect life, which made this person bristly. Well, bristly at first, but for them to not only compose this vitriolic satire in print but then also send it, I think they collapsed into apoplexy.
A lot rushed through me while reading all of this: Defensiveness about my drinking and my marriage and my level of laziness; reflection on the veracity of those depictions (at a base level anyway); protective stance-turned-seething rage over the appalling portrayals of children (mine were only 10 and 8); finally some pity for the person who would need to respond to me in these [very specific] ugly ways.
And yet, my reply was less than gracious, unfortunately. Maybe I should have deliberated longer than a couple of hours.
I never did find out who this was, and not for lack of trying because I’m nothing if not insufferably obsessive about closure. I have a couple of guesses but it doesn’t really matter in the end…message received, no more mass emails. Or unsolicited holiday greetings.
The upside of this ‘exchange’ is that I did (and do still) spend time considering how what I say affects others, regardless of my intentions. I am better (I hope) at recognizing my privilege when telling stories or offering thoughts. I honestly wish I could have had a real conversation with this person about what was really going on in their world. And I do hope life has been kinder to them.
Unless they’re still sending ghastly nastygrams to my old email address, in which case I hope karma catches them in that back alley they kept mentioning.
Wow, that person has issues that go way beyond getting unsolicited emails. It's a shame he wasn't brave enough to share his real identity - it would make the 30th reunion so much more fun ( but please say you'll go and drop hints about alleys and animal-killing children to find him out). But, I also agree that I ended up feeling badly for this guy, your email must've hit him at a really shitty time - because I'm sure your letter was delightful!!
Oh wow.
It takes a lot of energy to be angry....and a lot less to be happy. It's unfortunate that John Smith had to hide behind a fake name instead of just addressing you politely.
Mass emails were popular at the time, especially after a reunion or large social gathering.
You are a good person.