Friday thing : marriage

Specifically, what my parents have been doing for 50+ years

It seems like a fantastic, magical thing to spend more than half of your life living with and [I think this is key] really liking just one person. I want to celebrate the people who raised me and stayed together through all of it: the 1970s (energy crisis, Disco), buying a new house, the 1980s (Reagan, Yuppies, my Very Virgo teen angst), remodeling the house, buying livestock, changing jobs, my college years, daughters getting married, Cowboys vs. Seahawks, remodeling the house again. I’m proud of their moxie and have used it as an example for my grown-up life.

Things I’ve learned from my mom & dad:

• Leave little gifts for each other in interesting¹ places

• Kiss in public

• Divide and conquer tasks fairly² - chores, chauffeuring kids, fixing things, driving places

• Offer foot rubs even when you’re tired and their feet are stinky

• Nobody tires of getting flowers

• Talk frankly about money

• Have no secrets about purchases, except when buying gifts

• Keep going on dates

• Occasionally do the thing that your spouse loves and you don’t, without complaint or grimacing³

• Establish a hands-off domain for each of you in the home⁴

• Support each others’ endeavors⁵ even if you don’t really understand them

• Sometimes it’s better to not care [out loud] if you’re right

• Hold hands whenever possible

• Express praise in front of other people

• Ask sincerely about each other’s day

• Do your own things now & then, then talk about them

• Disagreeing is not the end of the world

• Listen carefully, with your ears & eyes

• Be present with each other

• Remember daily your Why for being together

• Always always always say “I love you” when you’re parting, even/especially if you’re only going across the street

True heroes, making it all look easy.

---

Forever - is composed of Nows -
’Tis not a different time -
Except for Infiniteness -
And Latitude of Home -

From this - experienced Here -
Remove the Dates - to These -
Let Months dissolve in further Months -
And Years - exhale in Years -

Without Debate - or Pause -
Or Celebrated Days -
No different Our Years would be
From Anno Dominies -

~ Emily Dickinson (690)

1. My parents usually put their favorite comics on each other’s car visors; my husband & I routinely stash notes in suitcases when we aren’t traveling together.

2. As in, discuss honestly the grim ones like toilet cleaning & bug-dispatching and the laborious things like lawn mowing, laundry, and pet poop disposal. Maybe take turns with the things you both hate (or pay someone else to do them).
But live with the fact that neither person will ever properly load the dishwasher.

3. E.g. Camping, going to car shows, being in a mall, watching movies about history…

4. Places you decide to let the other use as they wish and simply stop making eye contact with that area. Typically garage or kitchen, but some people get territorial about spare bathrooms and linen closets. Choose your battlegrounds.

5. Could be a desire to revamp cars, trim the grass just so, arrange the back room a certain way, or put dishes in a particular order in the cupboard…if it doesn’t hurt you, go with it.