what's good : all kinds of friendship

Let's broaden our definition.

I’ve often wondered if I’m really a good friend. This is not meant to be false modesty or a cry for reassurance but an exploration of what is expected from the thing we call friendship. The people I generally accept as capital-F friends on social media are either relatives and/or folks with whom I’ve had/continue to have some sort of pleasant interaction. I think friends in real life - and best friends in particular - are more than this though, but the qualifications are unclear to me. Do we have to visit often? Do we share clothes? Must I confess all of my inner thoughts? How elaborately do I need to celebrate a birthday? If we’re making a list based on TV & movies,¹ Real Best Friends:

• Frolic playfully

• Lock arms & sing while running

• Discuss sex in great detail

• Have heartfelt crying conversations

I’ve done none of these things² with anyone, ever, in my life. As a kid I played with others, of course, but usually board games or plot-related stuff like House or School³; I avoided activities that might involve chasing (ugh) or falling & rolling around together (eww, what). In elementary school I was close with a girl whose name started with an L and we joked about being Laverne & Shirley but in an abstract way, because we were sassy and our names had the same initials; we didn’t ever link arms or sing together, and certainly never ran for fun. When I watched Fast Times At Ridgemont High [far too young⁴], I was both intrigued and repulsed by the idea of having a girlfriend who I might talk about boys with, much less graphic sex acts.

The people I have called best friends were the ones I found in junior high [after getting away from mean girls who only ever liked me because I went along with their cruelties], in college, and in my grown-up community. These are the ones who have appreciated my dry nerdy humor, don’t judge my outfits (unless I ask), and actually like learning + talking about all kinds of things; I was instantly comfortable with them when we met and slip right back into that comfort level whenever we’re able to see each other again - for some, that’s every few years. I guess if they make plans to meet up with me, I must be a pretty good friend? That is a relief, though I still don’t think I’m quite at the level of these kinds of friends:

In art: From what I’ve read from + about James Baldwin, the man made remarkable connections throughout his too-brief life. One was Beauford Delaney, an artist who rose to prominence after his arrival in New York City during the Harlem Renaissance. He met teenage Baldwin and quickly became his mentor & “spiritual father,” though over the years their friendship likely became one of the more joyful and stabilizing elements of Delaney’s life. In the various portraits he created during their decades together, Delaney uses vibrant colors to illuminate the young man and his strong features. Baldwin later wrote posthumously about his friend,

“Perhaps I should not say, flatly, what I believe – that he is a great painter – among the very greatest; but I do know that great art can only be created out of love, and that no greater lover has ever held a brush.”

(L) Portrait of James Baldwin, 1945 / (R) James Baldwin, c. 1945-50

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In TV: If you haven’t yet been drawn into the world of Heartstopper, find your way immediately to a bookstore then turn on the Netflix series based on the graphic novels. Written & illustrated by Alice Oseman, the storyline follows a group of friends in a small English town as they navigate modern teenagehood - I say “modern” only because when my friends & I were navigating that torment back in the late 20th century, we weren’t smart or brave (or both) enough to talk with each other about our real feelings or identities outside of Hormonal Idiot. These young people are frank without being Very Special Episode about their situations; they’re funny and sweet and still also ignorant & foolish, like real life teenagers of any era. And yes, this is definitely a series we Olds can also enjoy⁵ plus learn from, although they did cast Olivia Colman as Nick’s mom in case we needed extra prompting.

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In music: Here are a couple of old favorites, maybe considered cheesy but who doesn’t love cheese?⁶ Rod Stewart first sang this Burt Bacharach/Carol Sayer song for the Night Shift⁷ movie soundtrack but Dionne Warwick (and friends!) really brought it in as the ultimate tribute to fellowship. I dare you to watch this ‘recording session’⁸ and not feel a little weepy over the love fest going on between Dionne and fellow superstar musicians Gladys Knight, Elton John, and Stevie Wonder.

And finally, speaking of getting weepy, this gem from longtime, much-acclaimed singer/songwriter Randy Newman - a song I admit simply hung out in the back of my mind as a sweet tune that showed up throughout the Toy Story series in various poignant ways. But since my son chose it as our dance at his wedding, it hits differently, which means I feel even more like sobbing when I hear it not only due to my maniacal hormones, but mainly because I love that my kid considers us friends.

(I’ve chosen the Wheezy/Robert Goulet version because it was such a fun surprise characterization, and also so I can stop crying in my office)

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1. Most of these will be from the 70s and 80s, when I was forming a sense of self…sorry, any young/uncultured readers out there.

2. Unironically, that is. And though I have spoken from the heart & cried a little during a few conversations, mostly I make the wisecracks…What’s yodeling got to do with it?

3. You must know I was always the person in charge during these playtimes, thus why I question my quality as a friend. I know I’m difficult. (Refraining from my usual hashtag because I think it’s become wearisome, and obvious, at this point)

4. Honestly, I’m still a little uncomfortable with a lot of that movie.

5. I watched the first season in one day then rewatched with my daughter a few weeks later.

6. Sorry, lactose-intolerant friends. :(

7. Also a fun look at different types & modes of friendship…seriously, this movie is woefully underrated.

8. I’m no sound engineering expert but wouldn’t there be mics and headphones on these people?