what's good : reflection

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard

Apr 08, 2024

In poetry + bonus books(ish): A few years ago, I hosted a virtual poetry discussion group with some friends. After sharing this one by Maya Pope, I was compelled to cut out the last lines from the sheet I had printed & marked for our talk and tack it to the bulletin board directly in front of my laptop/face.

The way Pope addresses life with “dear” as if it were an entity that might be inclined to listen to us when we have requests makes me feel more hopeful, seen, maybe understood but at least sympathized with. I could also have isolated these lines, referring to the way I always want to see/hear/taste/touch/know everything, at the expense of exhausting myself and still never getting through my [ever-expanding'] to-do list: “I can’t undo all I have done unto myself,/what I have let an appetite for love do to me./I have wanted all the world, its beauties/and its injuries; some days,/I think that is punishment enough.” This reminds me of Alice Walker having Shug tell Celie to appreciate beauty in the world despite how hard things can be: “I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it. People think pleasing God is all God cares about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.” And, nearly anything Toni Morrison addresses in her writings but particularly Beloved, where the formerly enslaved Sethe is haunted by her dead child and unable to move into a future where joy and self-love could exist: “Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”

Every day I try to look at myself and my choices, examine my whys, consider options. Sometimes I still stay in my chair doing nothing [seemingly] significant but at least I’ve had a thought about what next, and I can try again when I’m ready.

Daily mantra next to a vintage sherbet dish full of thumb tacks and my favorite tissue box holder.

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

Dear Life by Maya C. Popa

I can’t undo all I have done unto myself,
what I have let an appetite for love do to me.

I have wanted all the world, its beauties
and its injuries; some days,
I think that is punishment enough.

Often, I received more than I’d asked,

which is how this works—you fish in open water
ready to be wounded on what you reel in.

Throwing it back was a nightmare.
Throwing it back and seeing my own face

as it disappeared into the dark water.

Catching my tongue suddenly on metal,
spitting the hook into my open palm.

Dear life: I feel that hook today most keenly.

Would you loosen the line—you’ll listen

if   I ask you,

if   you are the sort of  life I think you are.

In books + bonus links to even more writing + shopping & food: I just started this memoir [and am already halfway through] but I’ve also been reading Jess Pan’s fantastic1 impressively funny + poignant Substack newsletter “It’ll Be Fun, They Said” and am thoroughly absorbed. As a fellow introvert2, I was already stressed by the subtitle of this book; I know, as Pan does also and articulates well in her introduction, pushing ourselves to be even a bit more social is a boon for writers, oh and also important for mental health, yet Thinking About vs. Doing are opposite sides of the Grand Canyon in my brain…getting slightly sweaty vs. hyperventilating then puking.

Sidenote: I had this book in my bag when I went to visit a friend in Seattle last week but hadn’t yet started it. On the lightrail, a guy and his girlfriend jumped onto the train as it started away and he lost his balance, falling onto my leg as he tried to sit down. It wasn’t a big deal to me yet they were beside themselves apologizing and asking if I was okay; I assured them I was but could feel their embarrassment and discomfort radiating next to me. I kept considering things to say that might lighten the situation and relieve them but everything sounded increasingly ridiculous and unhelpful3 in my mind, so we all said nothing for about 15 awkward minutes. And then when I got off at my stop, I considered at least telling them to have a good day but wondered how that would come across4 so said nothing as I bolted to the exit doors.

When I later stopped at a cafe and broke out the book, one of the first things she talks about is overcoming her fear of saying wrong or weird things to strangers. Part of that she attributes to introversion but also to living in London for so many years where small talk/public interactions are frowned upon5. But experts she consulted about how to have more meaningful exchanges told her most people actually seek connection but are afraid others are not interested, so most of us are all sitting there like me (and probably Falling Guy & girlfriend) thinking about something to say but believing no one wants to hear it. I am still wishing I had smiled or waved at them, at the very least.

So do yourself a couple of favors this week: Get this book, read Jess Pan’s Substack, and strike up a conversation with someone even if it makes you a little nauseated at first.

Bookmark made by my daughter; book from Powell’s; astonishingly delicious sausage, egg, & cheese sandwich from Olympia Coffee

In music: I played Heart’s Dreamboat Annie this past weekend because my almost-3-year old nephew chose it at random from the shelf and I was reminded of how gentle & lovely it is, even though its biggest hits were the rockers “Magic Man” and “Crazy On You.” Those songs are fire (watch the linked videos of these electrifying women performing), though “[Love Me Like Music] I’ll Be Your Song” stands out as a satisfying combination of the Wilson sisters’ quietly strong harmonies + guitar work. And for this week’s theme, I feel like it’s a simple, sweet call to remembering who and how we love, even when life gets difficult.

what's good : reflection

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard

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