It’s been almost a year since I quit my teaching career for real. My plan was to focus better on capital-W Writing1 and work more comic conventions; I left my goals intentionally vague because I am shockingly terrible at real follow-through while still being Virgo-intense about creating checklists. But, vague goals are easy to meet: I have focused on writing2 a few times each week, and I have worked more cons.3 What I haven’t done is step out into uncharted territories, push myself into the spooky void of New Things. There is safety in planning & preparation and those things can bring delight, though not much insight or growth. I walked away from the place where each day was carefully structured but could still tip into mild mayhem at any minute because I thought it was getting to be too much for me. Though it turns out I might need that potential chaos to thrive, and I have to let go of so much managing in order to move forward.
The point here is that I am recognizing my trouble with embracing the unknown. I can acknowledge the unknown, smile tentatively and maybe raise an eyebrow in its direction, perhaps occasionally let it hold my hand and drag me to an event, but embracing is really not my thing. That feels like losing control.4 Though when I think about real embracing in everyday situations - meaning hugs, which I prefer to avoid except with immediate family and extraordinary friends - I know that when they happen, I am able to let go when ready.5 So, clearly I could exercise that same agency with the metaphorical hugging of things with outcomes that I don’t immediately know or can’t predict. I can probably set more adventurous goals that involve measurable results while also challenging my comfortable boundaries. Here’s to growth! Maybe.
Here are some inspirations for Future Me.
In poetry: I adore Lucille Clifton for many reasons - her woman/body-centric themes, the lower-case writing, her short but mighty Dickinsonesque lines, multiple poems about foxes - but this one especially resonates. Last year I bought this gorgeous letterpress print from Expedition Press at the Portland Book Festival of her brief + powerful poem i am not done yet to keep near my desk and speak to my sometimes anxious “collection of safe habits” self.
In books: The last three novels I’ve read have been miles apart - literally, with settings from Oakland to Tokyo to Chicago, but also thematically: Native families trying (or not) to honor their ancestors while surviving a difficult present; a lonely Japanese man trying to find companionship; young white American suburbanites investigating the disappearance of one of their own. However, they all center on people not thoroughly understanding what is happening with their lives, being overcome with uncertainty & fear, and wondering where to go next (if anywhere). Fearing the unknown while also summoning it and looking to it for answers.
Wandering Stars is the follow-up to Tommy Orange’s There There, a beautifully executed mournful collection of stories mixing Indigenous history with narratives from a cast of Urban Indians whose lives start to overlap in unexpected ways. It wouldn’t be impossible to follow Wandering Stars without having read There There but it is certainly richer knowing the backgrounds of the characters6; mainly, the ambiguous ending of the first novel is made clear after a few chapters in the new book, again blending historical events with one character’s family tree. Both leave us knowing more about how some Native people think & live, and Orange occasionally sneaks in (usually devastating) references to characters’ future lives, but we still have lingering questions and concerns. Like in everyday life. How do we find true things?
I formally requested that my library purchase Taichi Yamada’s Strangers7 after watching the movie based on the 1983 novel, All of Us Strangers, which broke my heart into a million desperately sad yet somehow grateful pieces. I needed to read the words that inspired this kind of story8 but was afraid to buy the book outright and possibly be disappointed. I knew that the Andrew Haigh film adaptation had changed some key characters and settings but that the essence of the story remained; my library came through and I was able to read it, then promptly buy my own copy. The essential plot is the same though the main character’s thinking about the situation and its effects on him are culturally significant in the source novel, which was fascinating & enriching to my embrace-resistant brain. Unlike Haigh, Yamada approached the presence of ghosts and their meanings from a traditional Japanese point of view. Still beautiful though in a different, eerie way.
I found the last book in a Little Free Library box9 when on a walk with my bestie in Seattle a few months ago. I hadn’t heard of Just the Nicest Couple by Mary Kubica even though it was recently published and is exactly the kind of story that I love to bust through in a couple of cozy days in my recliner with my cat…something a book group picks in the summertime when people still want to read yet can’t bring themselves to concentrate on much more than sunshine on the beach, or planning a vacation in the sunshine on a beach). This kind of novel also makes a great suspenseful movie or limited series with handsome actors styled Just Like Us, Crate & Barrel-filled houses, and a tense indie rock soundtrack. Basically, a woman’s husband goes missing after they have a(nother) strained argument. Chapters switch back & forth between her and her colleague/friend’s husband, presenting different perspectives & details about the situation as it unfolds. It kept me guessing throughout and the resolution was satisfying, but what I found especially compelling was the way Kubica examined the foundations & expectations of marriage, friendship, and family relationships. In the end, what we think we know can illuminate how much we really don’t.
In music: There might be a much better song to share on the topic of embracing unknowns but, well, I don’t know what it is. *rimshot* So I’m landing on The Beatles and their unconventional, LSD-inspired Tomorrow Never Knows. My favorite part of the song’s lore is an unexpectedly great connection to this post - George Harrison’s ultimate assessment of Lennon’s composition:
“I am not too sure if John actually fully understood what he was saying.”
The kind that people read, maybe look forward to, and sometimes pay for. So, thank you!
If we define “focus” as “Scribbling thoughts in a journal on the porch while drinking tea” and/or “Typing words.”
…because I no longer have an actual job, and very few important appointments.
Read: almost immediately.
So this is a recommendation to read There There first (I linked to Powell’s for a used copy) then pick up Wandering Stars, probably available at your local library.
Reissued as All of Us Strangers after the recent movie, to be clear
Please read my post about the movie where I tell a bit more about the plot + you can watch the trailer.
I promise I will leave a book next time I visit!
I'm 2/3 done with Wandering Stars and agree, having read There, There helps. Both books are wonderful! I'll have to check out your recommendations, I think we have similar taste:)
As a fellow teacher who quit teaching, it took me a while to get out of teaching. My entire life had been driven by the school calendar and the bell schedule, and figuring out what a new rhythm worked was a struggle. Plus it's so hard to embrace the mystery of the unknown without feeling nervous and scared. Love it for you that you're finding a new path!